Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
