Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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