then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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