My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
