omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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