I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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