why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
