Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
