i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
