ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize