Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
