I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
