I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
