tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
