I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
