I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
