hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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