if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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