yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
