My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Randomize
