Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
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