Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
