4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
