Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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