you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
