I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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