I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
These tits shall not be calmed
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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