btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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