My hand turned me down
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
