I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
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