you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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