im six kinds of drunk right now
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
