I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
