last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
