the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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