i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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