1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
