i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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