Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
