In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
