i can't believe i had my finger in that
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
We smell like vodka and hangover
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