Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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