Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
