He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
