so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
