I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
