drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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