You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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