drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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