pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
my poor anus
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
i believe in u and ur pee
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
