What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
