I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
