Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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