I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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