Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
